untitled.topher.

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 00:28:04 GMT

Full time consideration of another endeavor might be in order.

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 03:32:44 GMT
one am on a saturday, last clove done, a mug of green tea by my side, writing this blog like the trendy fuck that i am. i'd like to start off with friends, i'm sorry i haven't been about much lately, but rowan has been hectic, concerts, rehersals, practicing, you know how it gets this time of year, i'll be back soon. may 8th to be exact. the date of my sophomore profficiency, my last performance major performance exam as a undergrad student. this is what it comes down to for b.a. majors. my work is getting me close to where i need to be, but i'm not quite there yet. 2 weeks from monday. after that stress is off. i'll continue bass lessons as well as provate composition lessons during my stay at rowan but the majority of my required music training is complete, it's mostly gen eds from here, but i'm having a lot more fun than business majors.

pinball show next month, not my favorite thing to look foward to, i've been working my ass off for years to be a legite musician and i play this shit, no offense to q tip, but you know how it is man. fun will be had i guess. i've been gigging solo extensivley for the past month and a half or so. i recorded too early on this project and embarrassed myself, i'm hitting my studio in the next month to record a new demo/press kit. i think this project depresses me more and more by the day. there's no one else to blame for shortcomings in the music, especially in the vocal department. i'm new to recording and i'm new to being a frontman, time is of the essence. i'll say flat out that vocals and lyrics are by far my weakest point, and i will never deny that. i feel that all but two of my songs need rewrites in this department, and will get them. time time time, something i do'nt have much of lately. i've considered just quitting lately, i could play bass for plenty of bands, i know i'm probably the best on the rock scene at the moment, but i don't work well with others, i'd rather take my time and do my own thing. i don't want to reinvent music, just have fun. i'm starting to book mini tours starting in june. so hopefully things go well and maybe i'll have something more than experience to show for it. if i can get my shit together, cross your fingers, something good might juse might happen.

but don't count on it. i'm certainly not. this summer i will most likely be taking classes to get CAD certified, because as a musician you always need something to fall back on. edducation education education. college needs to get out of my way, i need to move out, which would not be financially feasible, while going to school full time. time time, more time. it passes and generally feels wasted. i relax every night to law and order with this mug of green tea and think about life. who i am and where i'm going, no one knows the answers better than yourself.

shut up and listen to the music.

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 06:42:18 GMT
don't you hate the days, when no matter how tired you are you can't sleep, because you know how bad the next day will be.

tuesday.
work 9-12
class 12:15-4:30
teach 5-6:30
study
wind ensemble 8-10.

rinse and repeat.

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 03:07:31 GMT

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 17:16:15 GMT
* ANGER Department *

1. what do you do when you're mad?
walk . hit things. smoke. alll depends how angyi am

2. what's the worst thing you've done when you were mad?
probably punched kevin in the face haha

3. ever made anyone cry when you were mad?
yeah

4. ever physically hurt someone when you were mad?
yup

5. do you curse when you're mad?
when don't i curse?

Crying Section

1. when was the last time you really cried your heart out?
honestly i don't remember it's been over 6 months i think

2. ever criend yourself to sleep
yeah

3. ever cried on your friend's shoulder?
def

4. do you cry when you get an injury?
not usually, it just makes me angry

5. do certain songs make you cry?
one.

6.) who/what makes you cry?
nothing lately

Pain Section

1. what's the worst thing you've done to somebody else?
let's not get started. but generally i'm a nice guy

2. how depressed can you get?
not depressed, jsut hard on myself

Happy Section

1. are you normally a happy person?
i think the description by most people is pissed off all the time.

2. what can make you happy?
music and friends

3. do you wish you were happier?
no

4. what about being with your friends, does that make you happy?
every second

Love Section.

1. have you ever loved someone so much, that you'd die for them?
yes

2. did you ever love a person, and tell them that you love them?
yes

3.have u ever loved someone so much, it made you cry?
i don't think it was the act of loving them so much that made me cry

4. has anyone besides your friends and family ever said 'i love you"?
yes

Hate Section

1. who do you actually hate?
at the moment i can't think of anyone

2. ever made a hate list?
nah

3. have you ever been on a hate list?
only if i'm lucky

4. have you hated any one that breaks your heart?
nah, it takes killing someone i love for me to really hate ou

5. do you hate George Bush?
cockbag

Self-Esteem Section

1. is your self-esteem extremely low?
are you kidding me? do you know whos journal this is

2.do you believe in yourself?
yes

3.when people say they think you are goodlooking/pretty, do you deny you are?
nope

4. are you one of those idiots that think they are ugly, dumb, and fat?
haha yeah... no duh.

5. ever wanted to kill yourself cuz you thought you weren't good enough?
never

6.are you happy with who you are?
of course or i wouldn't be me

do it

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 05:01:20 GMT
1. One secret.
2. One compliment.
3. One non-compliment, criticism, or insult.
4. One love note, but it does not have to be for me.
5. Lyrics to your favorite song.
6. How old you are.
7. How long we've been friends.
8. And a hint to who you are.
9. After you do it for me, put it in your LJ and see who does it for you.

'cause that's just who i am this week.

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 19:03:20 GMT
fuck that shit.
seriously.
fuck it.

love music and practicing.

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 18:14:58 GMT
For years i've practiced my ass off on bass as well as other instruments, not nearly as much now as i should, but that is another topic. regardless i practice until my fingers are sore, with all this practicing i feel as though some things have never been as beautiful as they should be, but practicing doens't make beauty does it? i took my piano exam the other day and although i got a b it wasn't great. I had a talk with my professor after class and he wastalking about how every studio teacher will tell you to practice more if you want to get better, but he believes that your heart is where it all comes from. Practicing something a million times won't put it under your fingers if you don't love it, that beauty that music should convey has to come from your heart, not from your brain. you don't learn if you don't care, you're heart has to be in it at all times. this editorial brought to you by topher.

"you don't groove like a white boy"

ps. harry chapin is all i can listen to.

pps. i'm done the music and all of the writing for my solo album, if all goes well all recording and production should be done by the new year, i know you care, but pretend. thru composed is the way to go. i have to admit i've give in though, due to my lack of a soundcard at the moment, nearly all instruments are being tracked electronically although the entire work was writting on acoustic guitar and piano. weird goings on.

topher.

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 18:16:53 GMT
it's always the little things. I went to buy cloves the other day and as they were out of blacks i opted for the vanilla variety. I hadn't realized how long it's been since i have tasted that, and the memories that it would bring back. the second that flavred tip hit my lips a shiver was sent through my spine that i couldn't seem to shake for a number of minutes. The cigarette fell from my mouth. but that scent rising up had the same effect. i never thought of this taste or scent as this memory yet there it was, sending my mind racing down a path it hasn't been down in weeks. it's when i feel like this that i realize that no one can solve my problems but myself, for i'm the only one that needs to carry this burden of memories. i have my moments of exclusion from the rest of the world. this was one of them. when you say goodbye mean it. forever only lasts for so long.

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 21:48:37 GMT

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 21:45:00 GMT
my obligatory update on life.
doesn't happen often but i'll be a regular blogger for a day jsut to catch up my far away friends on what the fucks been going down. started classes last week. some good shits going on, playing in wind ensemble, a small jazz group with some phenomenal players and somehow got drafted into the university jazz band yesterday, things are looking up i guess. my schedule has been severley complicated due to all this shit, but i'll deal, i get to play quite a bit of bass each day. i always have a music ocmpl class which is more 20th century composing which is looking like its going to be a lot of fun. eCidikilLs been recording and writing the last couple weeks and will continue for probably the next month or so until we're ready to jump back into the gigging scene. lots of changes going on in that front, but i'm still making music with my best friends, and for that ican't complain. i would never want to be permenatly in a band with anyone else. i always complain about fatigue in this journal, i can't say i've been gettting the reccomended amount of sleep lately, but for this past week or so, i am more than content with that. i hate wildwood a little less. everything just seems to be looking up, anything can be copmlicated but the pieces seem to be falling into their places lately. i may be tired. but i'm happy

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 04:29:56 GMT
silent secrets.
the little acts are what matter the most. i cleaned my wallet just now. ticket stubs and midget pictures. i've been saying for a long time that i need change. it's coming. it's happening. i've cleared my head weeks ago, and everything seems to flow better now. i'm going to bed tonight knowing that the insitigation of this entry will not be discussed. and it leaves me still feeling a little vacant inside.

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 04:36:31 GMT
i can't complain.
my school schedule is just short of wonderful.
first eCidikilL show friday. didn't go over so well, and you know what i don't care. more on this later.
random trip to wildwood sunday aided by plenty of law and order and no sleep. i can't complain.
emotionally stable. for once.
i'm a dick. yes i know.

dear pinball fans.
come to the show friday expecting pinball? too bad. it's not who we are. we never were, and we've catered to your whims for long enough. the shows were fun. the band was a joke. we are all musicians and don't want to always be a joke. you come to an ecidikill show expecting pinball and yes, you'll be quite disappointed. tough shit. i for one could give less of a shit. we're not 14 anymore. it was never my cup of tea. we will plays show under different names occassionally so if you like pinball be there. but don't expect another pinball. it's not going ot happen. never will. i wouldn't let it. we're all tired of it. especially me. i for one don't caer about being famous nor rich. i want to enjoy myself. this isn't a sellout but self preservation. we'll never be generic, it's not possible. but for you for not accepting change. you can have your 14 year old fantasies, but that's not who we are. and we won't be. fucking deal with it.

sincerely
topher.

Wed, 03 Aug 2005 08:00:08 GMT
fuck
something just went wrong. i woke up and i know something's not right, i can't stop shaking. there were no bad dreams, no monsters under my bed. i promise you that something is not right. i felt amazing this evening and now i feel the lowest i've felt in months. what is this shit. these feelings are unjustified, yet i'm sure justifiable in time, jealousy, rage, hatred all rolled into one. my mind i spinning and i can't stop the rotation. i don't feel liek a prolific writer at the moment, but something is wrong and it pulls my heart down like a lead weight.

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 01:05:49 GMT
let's re cap.
-parents know i smoke
+don't care so much.
-finally got my grades
-not so hot.
-been feeling sick
-emotional.
-best friend's mad at me
-i was a dick
-business venture took 3 weeks to get here
+game me 1.3 the amount i ordered, not complaining.
+-band changes
-unsure of longterm results
+show saturday
-not ready
+bass playing
=poor
+1.5 weeks vacation
-no spending money.
+paycheck friday
-money spent on car
+finish my bass
- i don't deserve it.

life's full of ups and downs i'll take them in stride, usually the ups outnumber the downs. but not in nottingham...

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 19:46:53 GMT
goodbye old friend.
you've been there for me for a year an a half like no one else could have been.
but it's time for us to part ways, and i know this is entirely my fault.
but it was a desicion i had to make on my own, and i couldn't let your sweet voice sway me.
i always loved the way my fingers played across you, but sometimes good things have to go to waste.
i never deserved you and still don't, you'll be better off it someone elses hands.
they'll listen to you sing and think you were meant for them, but they're ll never have what we had, because i loved you. and always will, but this was for the best.

i never deserved you

goodbye pretty bass, you're in better hands now...

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 14:39:12 GMT

You scored as One Intelectual Individual. You're a thinker. You see things from a very different prospective than the rest of the world, and probably find release and self-expression in music, painting, scalpting, or any other form of art. People see you as a deep person, full of knowledge that they don't understand. People are attracted to that, but there's a good chance you don't care.

</td>
One Intelectual Individual
100%
Earth-Child
75%
New Age Hippie
63%
Not a Hippie
50%
Original Hippie
25%
Pothead
0%

What type of hippie are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 06:37:33 GMT
i love the drive home. i love many things everyday but this is the most rewarding. the silent drive home. just my thoughts and me. i blast my music, and sing along as out of key as i so desire. sometimes i choke my lungs. and sometimes i enjoy the fresh air. it's the only palce i can think. everywhere else is too fucking quiet, while i love the serenity of it all the tires scraping the road is my tranquility, my tired eyes scouring the landscape intensly, that is my relaxation. while i love quiet bliss, there's just something about the drive home, where my mind can flow on a level that it never can. i'm a disorganized mess at the moment, and my life reflects this well. everything is sporatic and fleeting, i live in moments. but that's what life is...moments? right? turn left, stop sign. breathe in, accelerate slowly. exhale. i think that i have lead people to believe that i am a much more productive, motivated, and focused being than i truly am. or maybe this is jsut self doubt. with all of the self assurance i have, i should have no worries. i no way am i not happy with myself. it's all in my mind. but maybe my mind is whats off. not insanity. just not focused. not productive. not motivated. but why i know what i love. i have no idea where i want to go, but that's the fun of life. lips pursed, breathe in. exhale. i want to live on my own. not financially feasble. not because of my age. but because of my lack of motivation. i'm a teenager, at least for another year, and its my right to be like this. there are somethings i need to accomlish this summer, and some desicions i need to make, to clear my own mind. i have to orient myself and take the first steps in what i deem as the right direction. there are infinate degrees in a circle, and i'll never choose just one, every door will still be open.

yellow light
accelerate

sometimes i have the urge to fight. that violence that seems so ingrained in the human body rises to the top. but i restrain because this is a civilized world. there's barbarians among us. everywhere i turn. i remember a few years ago when i bought a few books on taoism, and really got into the idea of good vs evil, for every reaction there is an equal but opposite reaction, through both science and philosophy how could it be wrong. but the world is unbalanced. humans, are inately good, but they're surroundings taint them. if this is so then where is the origional evil derived from, why is one enviroment lending itself more or less to the furthering of our species. where are we going? towards political and socio economic meltdown. eventually.but for now, no where. human nature seems to be that of indesicivness and nothing more. too many roads to drive and too little years in which to accomplish. we're put off by the fear of death. that no matter what goals we acheive and strive for in our lives ultimatl we can not beat that final evil, because it is one that will be ever present. the only this more disturbing than death, is immortality. for now i'll sleep becasue i'm tired of this, i'l lawake to another day, more aching muscles, more questions, and countless paths not followed. as always tomorrow is just another day. as always it's mine.

for now.
take a drag.
it's all we have left.

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 04:59:29 GMT

90 mph. 65 over what i should be doing, but its the most i can do around these roads, the fastest i can see through these tearing eyes. lights turned off with a sense of adventure, been trying to hurt myself for days now, and all i have is a couple scratches. trying to get the adrenaline going because its the only time i feel good. the pain gives me something more to focus on, the blood is the best warmth upon my skin. morbid you say, but not real pain. this doesn't even hurt and i far from want to die. i need the adrenaline to clear my mind, it's my only way to think. its my only perk after so many sleepless nights, despite what has induced them. never hate.

late nights.

Wed, 18 May 2005 04:45:13 GMT

we start off with my outstanding mothers day dinner.

and we skip to my ever trivial self love.

we head to a 2 am inspired haircut by yours truly.

and leave with my life.

with your telescope eyes, metal teeth.
i can't be seen with you, you see.

i direct your attention to my entry dated march 6th.

Thu, 12 May 2005 05:57:44 GMT
lonely spring nights with the stars blazing above. sitting on my front stoop with a thousand thoughts running through my head. take a drag. i am not one who should be left alone with my own thoughts for long. deja vu, something seems a bit off yet again. look down at my stoic mood ring. four fingers on chrome strings. somethings missing in that warm spring night. lately i feel like a pariah in my own right. excuse my mellodrama. i have said in the past i need to get away, but never take the initiative. maybe that time is looming. the stars are beautiful but they themselves leave me feeling void, too many unanswered questions. no sleep, no time, no progress. everyone dies, not everyone lives. am i missing out on certain levels? i am content. i am content with myself, minus my motivation on occassion. i am not always content with my surroundings. i feel out of place sometimes. in the night when all is quiet and the moon is shining down, i long for the lights of the city. in the same respect those lightsmake me only long for the bright moon again. to be content is to be boring, with ever revolving self critisicm, life moves on. indifferent. glowing embers. jumbled thoughts in a scattered brain. discontentment. body, mind, soul. the pieces will fall how they please. in the end everyone is the same carbon. fuck this. i'll try sleep. it will come eventually. routine.

Wed, 11 May 2005 03:46:20 GMT
new bass...coming soon.

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 20:42:12 GMT

what sexual things do you're friends think about you?
LiveJournal Username
Age
Favorite ice cream
Favorite season
Thinks you're ass is tight: maybe_never
Wants to lick hot chocolate off you're body: nightxoxo
Wonders how good you are in bed: dismaldreamland
Wishes you would screw him/her on the spot: stiffrooster
Is romatically in love with you: florence_ivy
Wishes you were gay so he/she could love you better: maybe_never
Hopes you'll take him/her to great heights (wink wink nudge nudge): xx_____deftones
Day dreams about having sex with you 24/7: dangerously
Quiz created by Molly at Blog Quiz
Click here to browse millions of singles for free!

Tue, 12 Apr 2005 04:00:19 GMT
www.myspace.com/ecidikill

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 20:59:33 GMT

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion |||||||||||||| 56%

Stability |||||||||||| 43%

Orderliness |||||||||||| 50%

Empathy |||||||||||||| 56%

Interdependence |||||||||| 36%

Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 63%

Mystical |||||||||||||||| 63%

Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 83%

Religious || 10%

Hedonism |||||| 30%

Materialism |||| 16%

Narcissism |||||||||||||| 56%

Adventurousness |||||||||||| 43%

Work ethic |||||||||||| 50%

Self absorbed |||||||||||||| 56%

Conflict seeking |||||||||| 36%

Need to dominate |||||||||| 36%

Romantic |||||||||||| 50%

Avoidant |||||||||||| 50%

Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 70%

Wealth |||||| 30%

Dependency |||||| 30%

Change averse |||||||||||| 50%

Cautiousness |||||||||||| 43%

Individuality |||||||||||| 50%

Sexuality |||||| 30%

Peter pan complex |||||||||||||| 56%

Physical security |||||||||||||||||| 76%

Food indulgent |||||| 23%

Histrionic |||||||||||| 43%

Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 63%

Vanity |||||||||||||| 56%

Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||| 56%

Female cliche |||||||||||||| 56%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com